i got something cool.
i want to give it up.
but i have to wait.
i'm really bad at this.

so today would mark the meanest thing anyone ever said to me: joe told me i wasn't loving.
which makes sense seeing as how i never trusted him because he never let me get too close to him. how can you love someone you can't trust. instead he tells me i laugh things off with humour which is true, when i get nervous i make jokes, but that has nothing to do with not being loving. its a matter of, after more than a year knowing me, its knowing me! if i know you so well and i knew exactly what you would do why didn't you know that about me. but he would never understand that because he never listened to me so he never really got to know me. which is a shame cause everyone knows how hard i worked for him. love is not writing a stupid card a couple of times, love is thinking about that person everyday. but then again you would never know that because you never opened up to me. i had to work hard to get then walk on egg shells to keep you.
well hun. i'm too big and proud to walk on egg shells around any man.
and sorry i'm not too affectionate, but when i am, its the best feeling in the entire world, i guess it takes only a good man to see it and appreciate it.

so on friday me and amy went to see The Arab-Israeli Cookbook at the Berkeley Theatre. It was pretty good. it didn't make sense of the conflict but it drew lots of distinctions between cultures. it had the funniest old man. i'd recommend just so you could laugh at him the way i did.

Ha! I've been locked out of the laundry room, and yes, yesterday i decided to do all my work clothes and hang them to dry so I'd have clean clothes for the next couple of weeks. However, the door has been locked, what the fuck you say, I know! What the fuck. So, instead I'm up at 8am drying from my shower and not knowing what I should do. Should I go to work and feel uncomfortable in some clothes I could wear to work but don't like to or go back to bed and go to school earlier and do notes for an up coming exam and essay? Yeah, you already know who's won, I hate working, I'd rather be poor and happy than be at my shitty part-time job. I applied to a bunch of jobs on the weekend, hopefully I'll get some calls.
Things I'm looking forward to this week: the weekend where I can sleep, thats it. So sad. Sleep because I don't have to work or read or feel bad for not hanging with people.

urgh. fuck it.

Sometimes I wonder about my life as everyone does. Especailly at this age, the early twenty something, not knowing where your life is going. I feel like I have two more years at York so its okay that I don't have everything figured out yet. In a way it makes me feel its okay to be irrational and just act on my instincts.

But in all honesty shouldn't we all act on our instincts. If I didn't I wouldn't be the happy self that I am and I wouldn't take risks. Yes, I'm an extremely rational person when it comes to work and school but people? I'm a horrible people person so instead of being rational and thinking logically about my relationships with people I just go with my instinct. Usually they get me into trouble but then where would I be if I didn't have that drama to wake me up in the morning.

I don't know why I think about the things that I think about. Maybe its all those years of conversations with Marisa about, ya'll know what its about.

Maybe I should be as rational with People as I am about school and work.

Nah.

holy crap so i haven't posted since december cause i've been a lazy fucker and figure little if anyone updates their blogs anymore. amy? suzie? chris? eli? i guess i haven't really checked your blogs since december either.

anyways, what have i been up to you ask? what have i not been up to! jesus. its been a hectic couple of months since then and i've been through x mas, new years, the guy i unfortunatly had the pleasure of dating, too much vodka, and shaddy places, plus my awesome friends.

and now where am i, sitting in the student centre with a tuna sandwich waiting for my tutorial to start.

thats been my life since mid february. and the work won't stop till april 14th.

in addition, i've had an on again off again cold that had a shot of the flu in the middle.

as always, i'm complaining but still smiling cause shit is never as bad as it seems.